It might be a little past the halfway mark, but I figured we needed to hand out some mid-season awards to let everyone know where they stand. In order to do this, I thought we could simultaneously celebrate some of Dad’s most charming quirks.
The “Aw, hey, Mr. McManus!” Award
Description: The player who receives this award must be male, must be a friend of one of Dad’s children, and must be so polite that Dad is pleasantly surprised.
Recipient: Joe. How’s this for polite: zero last-place finishes, zero first-place finishes, and a polite two spots back of his future father-in-law. Heck, he even made sure to stay tied with his fiance (a female) a week before the wedding. Now that is impressive politeness. Joe, in honor of this, we hereby grant you the right to make a poorly mannered run at the title. After the 28th, that is.
The Dollar-Three-Eighty Award
Description: Say someone asks you how much something costs, but you don’t want to reveal the price. A clever response would be, “A dollar-three-eighty.” It’s funny on several levels. First, it’s not necessary to round money to the 1000th decimal place. Second, it sounds like something a wise-cracking, fast-talking comedian from the 1950s might say. And third, $1.38 is just a pittance. It’s a comically low and pathetic number.
Recipient: Mom. The owner of a comically low and pathetic 87 heading into Week 11, Mom has had a rough go of things this year. She’s finished last three times, tied for worst (unless you’re Ciara). She has not yet finished first. And of all the weeks to put up her best performance to-date (13 out of 14 right), she chose Tim’s historic Week 4. Things just aren’t going Mom’s way in 2009. Until she picks it up, I’m going to be forced to tack on some extra decimal places to her total score.
The Explosive Finger Snaps Award
Description: This goes to the worst-behaved player in the league. It’s not so much an award as it is a punishment. What the recipient gets are some impossibly loud finger snaps and a furrowed brow. It’s equivalent to making too much noise while Dad is on the phone.
Recipient: Ciara. No elaboration necessary.
The Crash Test Dummies Award
Description: Several years ago – 2002, maybe? – Dad surprised us all when he bought a Crash Test Dummies CD. He played it pretty often in the car, especially his favorite track, “Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.” In fact, he even made us sing along, to see if anyone could match the lead singer’s ridiculously deep voice. It was one of the most unpredictable things Dad has done. It was particularly unpredictable, too, considering that the CD came out in the mid-90s. This award, therefore, goes to the league’s most unpredictable player.
Recipient: Matt. This is for a couple of reasons. His play has been unpredictable, that’s for sure. His three first-place finishes are tied for second, while his three last-place finishes are tied for first (among non-Ciaras). He had a six one week, then made a run at perfection the next. Wild, zany stuff. But more unpredictable, perhaps, are his nicknames. Chief among them: “Pat Eats Fresh,” “Crazy Franklin Face,” two separate references to a giant marshmallow man, and then simply his full name. Maybe it’s not as random as Dad making us sing, “Birthmarks all over her body!”, but it’s close.
The “Because he ‘Talks like this!'” Award
Description: If you’re a male, you don’t want this award. Unless ridicule is your drink and at-your-expense is how you take it. Dad typically – and frequently – uses this phrase to describe someone with a funny-sounding, high-pitched voice. This award is for a girly performance.
Recipient: Tim. After another mediocre week, he slipped into second place…in the Pink Tiara Division! Doesn’t get much girlier than that. It’s too bad, too. Until this undeniably girly development forced the award committee’s hand, Tim was in position to receive the unprecedented Poifect! Award.
The Spicy Hiccups Award
Description: When Dad can’t resist spicy food, God bless him, he unfailingly gets a comical case of the hiccups. This award goes to the player who had to suffer through some hiccups of their own.
Recipient: Erin. Despite a recent streak of consistency, her total score is still haunted by three last-place hiccups in the first four weeks. She was, however, able to enjoy a first-place finish in Week 2. If you like, you could say that her tasty Week 2 was analogous to the few seconds that Dad gets to enjoy medium salsa before the hiccups take over.
The Hi-Debbie-Tim Award
Description: A PMA throwback. Every time one of Dad’s phone calls started with “Hi-Debbie-Tim” (or occasionally just “Debbie-Tim”), you knew it was all business going forward. The radio was turned down, talking was out of the question (for fear of explosive finger snaps), and boring business conversation was all that followed. This award is for 2009’s all-business performer.
Recipient: Cait. She has been systematically dismantling the Tiara competition all season, she is consistently prompt with her pick submissions, and she has been loyal to her law-firm nickname. It hasn’t been exciting – hey, it’s been downright boring. But that’s why she is so deserving of the Hi-Debbie-Tim Award.
The Liberal Superlatives Award
Description: If Dad is known for doing anything willy nilly, assigning superlatives probably tops the list. That’s why his “Best Place on Earth” distinction has been issued to half-a-dozen spots, including Bar Harbor, Humarock, and the screened-in porch (God rest its soul). And why Creed’s “Higher” has the greatest intro ever. Clearly, this award goes to the best player…ever.
Recipient: Pat. Three first-place finishes, zero last-place finishes. Remarkable consistency. Has been comfortably on top for five-straight weeks and counting. Has only spent three weeks all season as a non-leader. Always gets his picks in before everyone else. Um…impeccably dressed. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Some might call this own-horn tooting, but it would be foolish not to assign me a superlative of some kind. I mean, if Arthur and Pat’s is the greatest restaurant of all time, how am I not the best player ever?
The Wodewick at Rosalie’s Award
Description: This could very well be Dad’s favorite pastime. All the conditions are right: We’re in Bar Harbor, we’re about to eat our favorite pizza, they give Dad a chance to submit any name he wishes, and the person who calls it out always has a funny European accent. Of course, Dad’s instincts are to exploit this in the name of humor. It doesn’t always work out quite the way he hopes (they were never able to pronounce Wadja correctly), but the attempt alone is always entertaining. For that, the Wodewick at Rosalie’s Award represents the feel-good story of the year.
Recipient: Dad. A year ago, dogged by a brutal road schedule, Dad posted the worst season of his career (I assume). He finished 10 points back…in the Pink Tiara Division! Not to mention seven points back of his spouse. It was really…awful. But from the depths, he has emerged. In an inspiring, bounce-back season, Dad posted three first-places in a four-week stretch and grabbed a share of the lead for the first time in two years (I assume). After another win in Week 10, he sits alone in second place, just three points behind the leader. A feel-good story indeed. You’ve earned it, big guy. Now please don’t get mad at me for writing this post.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. We’ll see all of you this week.
McManus Picks 
Kind of like the Rolaids Relief Award, there are some more unofficial titles up for grabs. I nominate Pat for the Ronald Reagan Mask Award. This stems from the tradition of putting on a creepy looking mask of an old man, surprising young children, and then feeling surprised/sorry when they start crying. Pat has earned this title for his biting humor and his telling-it-like-it-is-iveness, and for the inevitability of his having hurt someone’s feelings in the process. Luckily, the website is set up so that your email address does not get published, or I’m sure Pat would have already received many tear-stained emails (possible?) from any number of victims: 50’s comedians, employees of Rosalie’s, long-haired Christian-themed rockers, Debbie, Arthur and/or Pat, etc. Pat may be surprised, but I’m sure that he will reach up to the top shelf of the hallway closet again next time.
By the way, if any of you want to put your 10-week performance thus far in perspective, check the bottom of this set of picks to see how many the experts have gotten right so far:
http://espn.go.com/nfl/picks
(Keep in mind that Jaworski picks one less game per week because he announces the Monday night game – I was excited that I was beating him for a minute.)
I hope this is a lesson to the parents-to-be that everything you do will someday be fodder for your children’s uncanny sense of humor. Since a well-developed sense of humor is positively correlated with a high IQ, and IQ is genetically determined, I want an honorable mention for helping to produce such a witty son. I am also looking forward to future interpretations of Grandpa’s quirks by our Grandson.
And so, the Funnier than a Rubber Crutch Award goes to Patrick– a past Dadism that clearly has its origins in a 1950’s comic routine.
Wow, I’m not sure if the tears are from raucus laughter or the feeling of really being touched, kinda like when you get 5 pounds of veal for Christmas, but Patrick, you certainly know how to make a person proud and humble at the same time. I am honored to receive the first Wodewick at Rosalies Award, and would just like to thank Mustafa, Jaime, Zwarte Piet, Benedict, Wadja, and the rest of the selection committee. I would like to think that I am accepting this honor on behalf of all those that got me to this position today and really laid the foundation for making fun of others, being silly in public, ridiculing people with humorous names, and always trying to entertain ones’ offspring and spouse. I’ve learned a great deal and am proud to honor those that have gone before me and set the example. It’s the people the matter, the little people like you. When I pick up my award, if the check is as much as I hope it will be, I plan to fly you all here next summer….because, I’m going to put in a pool with it!! That’s the big one! And, oh yes Patty, I know you can’t swim.
This is the greatest award I have ever received and Patrick’s commendations for the other awards is the Funniest thing I have ever seen in my 55 years of life. This is going to be the Hap, Hap, Happiest Thanksgiving and Christmas and I hope and trust I can continue to live up to the high standards you have for me. I will try to keep in mind that obviously someone is noting my every comment, action and facial expression, and i will attempt to not disappoint. Always look on the bright side of life, leave it over there with the others Greaseball, and get me someone, ANYONE! Dank u wel, Shukran, Gracias