This turned out to be a marathon endeavor, so going forward it’ll probably just be my top ten picks or something like that. But since it’s the first one, I stuck with it (kind of) and did all 16 games.
Carolina Panthers (1-2) at Chicago Bears (1-2)
Pick: Bears
Why, Pat?: Someone told me recently that the Panthers logo contains the shape of the two Carolina states. I’ve since spent a good deal of time comparing the logo to a map of the two states and I can’t figure it out for the life of me. This has made me boiling hot with anger whenever I think of the Panthers. Speaking of things that make me boiling-hot-angry: Jimmy Clausen’s face. The obvious pick here is the Bears.
Buffalo Bills (3-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-2)
Pick: Bengals
Why, Pat?: This is my Week 4 Quasimodo Pick, which is a pick that I just have a hunch about. The Bills are so confident right now they could probably storm right into Ravenclaw and win a Quittitch match. But before long they’ll crash back down to Earth when they realize they’re playing the miserable Bengals in miserable Cincinnati. This has let-down game written all over it.
Tennessee Titans (2-1) at Cleveland Browns (2-1)
Pick: Browns
Why, Pat?: Peyton Hillis, the Browns’ angry white running back who torched the Pats last year by angrily running for a lot of yards and points, is back this week after missing the last game with strep throat. Your first reaction might be to stomp your foot and say, “What a wimp! And the Browns are all wimps by association! I’m not picking them!” But think about it: how gross is someone with strep? The Titans will have handkerchiefs over their mouths (if they’re smart) and will be two-hand-touching Hillis at the very most. I predict a Browns blowout and 300 yards/36 points for Hillis.
Detroit Lions (3-0) at Dallas Cowboys (2-1)
Pick: Cowboys
Why, Pat?: Did y’all catch that game Monday night? When the Cowboys’ center kept launching shotgun snaps at Tony Romo when he wasn’t paying attention? It tickled me so. But they still managed to win. You don’t know how to overcome adversity until you overcome an entire year’s worth of blooper footage in one night. One more factor here: If the Detroit flippin’ Lions go to 4-0 with a road win over the Cowboys, I’ll just be beside myself. And I don’t think either of those things are physically possible.
Minnesota Vikings (0-3) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)
Loser: Chiefs
Why, Pat?: There are so many horrible things about this game that I just decided to pick a loser instead. Matt Cassel and Donovan McNabb have been the pits this season when it comes to quarterbacking. Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs’ star running back, tore his ACL when he ran into the Lions’ mascot. Can I move on to the next one?
Washington Redskins (2-1) at St. Louis Rams (0-3)
Pick: Redskins
Why, Pat?: Yeah! Ohhh. This one stinks, too. I took the Redskins because I have no idea why. Rex Grossman is awful and the Rams will probably win.
San Francisco 49ers (2-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (1-2)
Pick: Eagles
Why, Pat?: Thank Goodness, one I have an opinion about. The line on this game is shockingly low. It was even when I drew up the picks sheet and, now that Giant Jerk Who I Hate (Matilda makes me call him that) has said that he’ll play, the Eagles are favored by 2.5. That’s still shockingly low. I know the Niners are coming off a breathtaking, 13-8 win over the Bengals, but don’t let the records fool you. One team is a preseason Super Bowl favorite and the other is a preseason, really-hope-they-get-the-#1-pick-so-they-can-draft-Andrew-Luck favorite. And that first team is at home. Lock of the Week, if I featured such a thing.
New Orleans Saints (2-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
Pick: Saints
Why, Pat?: There are so many games! Let’s speed this process up with some one-line why-pats: Dad probably doesn’t think a guy named Blaine should be good at football and I’m probably gonna have to agree with that.
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1) at Houston Texans (2-1)
Pick: Steelers
Why, Pat?: Because I had the Texans, hated the fact that I knew the Steelers would actually win, and switched to the Steelers in cold blood.
New York Giants (2-1) at Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
Pick: Giants
Why, Pat?: Because – and don’t tell Joe this – I’m trying to pick more like Joe.
Atlanta Falcons (1-2) at Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
Pick: Falcons
Why, Pat?: Because I’d cry myself to sleep Sunday night if Matt Ryan loses to Pete Carroll.
Denver Broncos (1-2) at Green Bay Packers (3-0)
Pick: Packers
Why, Pat?: Because Marie has been making me look up “gifs” of B.J. Raji dancing all week and it’s made me very happy.
Miami Dolphins (0-3) at San Diego Chargers (2-1)
Pick: Chargers
Why, Pat?: Because I’m positive Tony Sparano will be the first coach fired this season and 0-4 going into a bye week essentially guarantees it. That one was too serious, let’s go back to long form.
New England Patriots (2-1) at Oakland Raiders (2-1)
Pick: Patriots
Why, Pat?: I mulled this one over for a long time, mulling mainly about how mean the Raiders fans are. Brian Waters, new Patriot and former Chief, told reporters this week that he once saw a Raiders fan – an old woman in a wheelchair, if you can believe it – giving him not one, but two middle fingers at the same time. How do you even…? Can you imagine playing in the midst of…? Did you see the guy with skulls on his shoulder pads? How a human being could succeed in such a macabre environment is beyond me. Luckily, our quarterback isn’t human. (He just throws picks sometimes to fake everyone out.) Brady throws us back to happiness, Logan Mankins fights Richard Seymour, and the Pats ride some momentum back to Gillette for a showdown with the [throw up in mouth].
New York Jets (2-1) at Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
Pick: Ravens
Why, Pat?: In his only career game against the Ravens, Mark Sanchez noodle-armed his way to 74 yards and the Jets lost 10-9. Since then he’s just kinda continued to noodle-arm his way around the league. It comes full circle Sunday night, when a Sanchez noodle-arm fest results in an easy Ravens win.
Indianapolis Colts (0-3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
Pick: Buccaneers
Why, Pat?: The Colts brass, as it turned out, didn’t have every angle covered. In fact, the only angle they had covered was the “Let’s get an awesome quarterback and everything else will figure itself out” angle. Now that Peyton’s been traveling to Europe to undergo stem cell treatment on his Frankenstein neck, Indy is putrid and they’ll have a guy named Curtis Painter starting for them in this game. But don’t worry, if Curtis can’t cut that meat, they brought in Dan Orlovsky for some support. That would be the guy who once forgot where he was and voluntarily ran out of the back of his own end zone. If the Colts win this game…well, I’ll be awfully surprised if they do.
Good luck, everyone. Don’t look at my answers, please.
McManus Picks 