McManus Picks

Here we go. I have a three-point lead on Tim, but that’s far from safe going into the most volatile week of the sea – eh, who cares, it’s pretty safe. Allow me to save time and declare myself champion once again!

Since I have won many a title before, I shall graciously use this opportunity to impart onto you my wisdom, as it pertains to coasting to certain victory:

• First thing’s first: Plan the parade. Those things are complicated. A lot of moving pieces, you have to block off roads, and so on. Do we even have enough barriers and such?? Best to get cracking on that early and inform the public so they, too, can have ample time to prepare.
• Second thing is fourth second: Talk trash to your opponent so that they will be very scared and underperform. Victory, as you’ve determined, is certain. Taunt the guys in the other locker room so that, in addition to losing, they’ll feel very inferior as well. Since Tim is the guys in the other locker room in this instance, here is something I could say:

“That guy is so inferior, I don’t even know his name properly. I believe it’s Tin or possibly Tem.”

• Finally, just show up! It’ll be like the ’96 New England Oireachtas all over again. You’re only competing against like two other uncoordinated nerds, so just hike up the kilt a bit, connect on a few clicks and await the trophy ceremony.

Again, this advice is only helpful when you’re in the exact position that I’m in right now, which is very difficult to achieve. But here’s hoping you all get to experience it in years to come.

Happy New Year!

This was just a longer-than-usual email that I’ve pasted here to count as a post:

Just need Matt’s pick I believe. If anyone is near enough to him, please nudge him like one would nudge Jape.

A few website-related items:

• I’m proud to say that we are now just mcmanuspicks.com! No “.wordpress” necessary, though that still re-routes you to the right place.

• The Results page will display the current week’s submissions once the Thursday night game starts. The previous week’s results will still be viewable, but only via a link on the home page.

• Last week’s debacle got the whole world wondering (it went viral) if it was the worst collective performance in league history. This might inspire an historical research project if said project proves to be doable in less than an hour. Or if someone else offers to do it. What would make it even more intriguing is if Tim can reach into his annals (two n’s) and produce the highly dubious pre-website results. Should Tim decline for obvious reasons, the other option is to gain access to Mom’s email account since it dates back to the days when Netscape Navigator was a thing we used.

Just three weeks left…better start picking boldly if you want any chance at catching the soon-to-be five-time champ*. Here are three bold picks recommended by our staff:

BROWNS (7-6) over Bengals (8-4-1)

Big chance to steal a point from STB5TC here. It will, however, first require that you get past the following, Manziel-related trepidations:

• Ominous first impression
• Ominous every other impression

In my weakness, tragically, I have not been able to get past them. AH, IF ONLY I HAD THE STRENGTH! But that’s why this presents such a golden opportunity to a picker with a stronger constitution than my own.

Dolphins (7-6) over PATRIOTS (10-3)

This is a no-brainer if you’re looking to go anti-grain and pick up a point. You know everyone else is going Pats. The Dolphins won the first matchup and Brady really struggled with their vaunted pass rush. Their backs are against the wall, that’s for sure. If they lose, the Pats clinch the division and their chance at the wildcard virtually disappears. And we all know what happens when you put a Dolphin’s back against the wall: It flops to the ground and writhes in agony as the breath rapidly escapes its body. That would be very frightening/traumatizing to go up against†.

Redskins (3-10) over GIANTS (4-9)

The possible return of RGIII is not convincing enough on its own. “Oh, the guy with three different chicken attributes‡ might come back? Great,” you’re probably saying to yourself, quite sarcastically.

Until…you read…THIS.

Corner, turned. A new-found commitment to extra work on the practice field always = improvement on Sunday. You might fear that the improvement might come in the way of him punting very often and very prematurely. And yes, that seems to be a very real possibility, which is why I’m picking the Giants. But consider this: It might…just…work.

*Foregone conclusion. Chance of catching STB5TC is actually 0% but trying to encourage participation/website hits.

†Keep in mind that, despite what appears to be a friendly recommendation by STB5TC, you will in fact be penalized a point for picking the Dolphins, resulting in a two-point swing for STB5TC.

‡Legs; cowardice; runs-around-like-one-with-head-cut-off

• Peyton Manning’s tall forehead
• Peyton Manning’s tucked-in shirts
• Peyton Manning’s developing friendship with pizza tycoon Papa John
• Peyton Manning’s love of that show Two and a Half Men, probably
• Peyton Manning’s strict, but curiously similar, rules of the house:
  • “If you’re in my house, you’ll tuck that shirt in.”
  • “Never leave the house without a good belt.”
  • “It ain’t a shirt if it ain’t long enough to tuck in.”
  • “You can record whatever you want just don’t delete my Jeff Foxworthy.”
• Peyton Manning’s face
• Peyton Manning’s face
• Peyton Manning’s face
• Peyton Manning’s 8-14 record against the Patriots
• Peyton Manning’s lack of a second and third Super Bowl
• Peyton Manning’s last trip to Foxborough
• Peyton Manning’s previous trips to Foxborough
• Franklin the dog

“I want my good.”

Congrats to Nanmom, who sealed her first-career crown with a win and a near-perfect 14 in the final week of the season.

Having entered Sunday with a three-point lead, her 14-out-of-16 made a challenge to the crown impossible. It was a statement win that capped a dominant season, which included the best single-week percentage (12-of-13), two 14-point weeks (which matched the league’s highest mark in 2013), four first-place finishes and zero last-place finishes.

Plus, Nanmom’s four-point margin of victory is the largest since the dawn of the McManus Picks website (2008) and probably the biggest of all time. And as the first female in league history to claim a title, she has officially broken the Pink Tiara barrier and established herself as the Babe Didrikson Zaharias of picking football games.

Congrats again to Nanmom and the opposite of congrats to everyone else.

Hopefully these will help you guys eliminate the grueling 45-minute process of selecting a nickname before submitting picks:

Dad

• Rad Dad
• Rad Granddad
• I consider myself rad
• Dad

Mom

• Schur Thing
• Shore Thing
• Sure Klingon Fan
• Née Schur
• Knee Sure Hurts [best used after knee injury, God forbid]

Tim

• Monterey Jack
• Cheese Guy [must first use above nickname to establish reference]

Marie

• Marie Isthebel of the ball
• Half-Iron Horse
• Half-Iron Horse, half woman
• Some sort of iron centaur

Erin

• Erin-tin-tin
• E. Claire-voyant
• Chocolate E. Claire
• If you must eat eclairs, do so in moderation [should you find out your kids read your nicknames]

Matt

• Matty glad he wore his plaid tee
• Matty sad he endured a bad pee
• Matty mad Glee’s score was lad-free

Cait

• Cait’s Really Neat Apparently
• Can’t Rap, Not Anymore
• Crassly Ranking on Nerds Always

Joe

• Siena Saint
• Siena Saint Joe
• Saint Joe
• Apologetic Blasphemer

Pat

• Patrick
• Pat
• Pat/something humorous
• This is why it takes me so long to choose a nickname

Ciara

• Ciara’s the name, fitness is the game
• Fitness’s the name, changing my name to former game is my current game
• Flying by the Ciara Elizabeth Seton of my pants
• Hope you like my new Fathead

Still need to do some updates for Week 1, but Tim was the winner with an impressive 13 out of 16. Not easy to do in the first week of the season. And it overshadowed almost-as-impressive 12s from Erin and Marie.

Marie, to go with her second-place finish, took home best nickname in Week 1 with her rhythmic, informative and foreshadowing pun, Shane Mareen. Second place went to Matt, who tickled the Commissioner’s heartstrings with a Big Daddy reference (alwasit a long-winded and ambiguous one).

*TRIVIA: The referenced actor still plays a significant role in our lives, especially the girls’. Without researching, can you guess it? It will be added as a bonus question to this week’s picks.